Good luck 25, 24 was pretty unbeatable.

As my 25th birthday is quickly rounding the corner, I can't help but think about all that's happened, all the hats I've worn over the years and all that I've been lucky enough to experience in my life. I can honestly say that I am so glad to have gone through it all, because I am stronger, wiser and a better version of myself now. 

Four years ago, I was a body obsessed control freak who's life was passing by rapidly and I was putting my health, relationships and well-being at risk because of a short-term lifestyle that I thought was more of a priority than the things that were truly important. 

My identity was being the "gym rat" and the girl that always strived to look "better" each week. There are many positives that I take away from those years, one very big one being my personal training career. I never realized how rewarding that job was and how much joy it brought me until I was forced to walk away from it. I still miss all my clients, the early mornings and the late nights. The most rewarding part was having the ability to show people that there was a better version of them inside and seeing them proud of themselves and each having huge emotional and physical breakthroughs. I do hope to one day reenter the personal training world and use all that I've experienced to teach people that looking a certain way is not all that is important, loving yourself for who you are and what you look like is a gift that everyone should experience. 

The past three years have been some of the most daunting, physically and emotionally draining years I've experienced thus far. I was diagnosed with hip dysplasia after multiple misdiagnosis' at age 21 and spent the next two years going through reconstructive hip surgeries to correct the shallow hip sockets I was born with. I always thought I was invincible and would never have to go through any serious surgeries or have any injuries. What a wake up call surgery number one was, I was forced to open my eyes and realize that the lifestyle I had been living was extremely unhealthy for me, mentally, physically and emotionally. I was unable to fulfill my goal of becoming an Air Woman after joining in November of 2012. 

I had to go through an outpatient treatment program to learn how to love myself again, regain a good relationship with food and repair the relationships that I had damaged during my bodybuilding years. It's taken a lot of hard work and time, but I am feeling more like the Bridget I want to be now more than ever.

I no longer have hip dysplasia thanks to my amazing doctor in Salt Lake City who performed two major reconstructive hip surgeries on me. I'm also so lucky to have had my "A-Team" with me through the whole process to help keep me sane, strong and not allowing me to give up even though there were times I wanted to.

I've been able to love someone more than I ever thought possible and share life with him every single day after two years of long distance. We moved across the country together which was extremely bittersweet for me. We are engaged and starting to plan our wedding for the Summer of 2016. 

I lost my the most amazing cat that had been by my side for 18 years. I still miss her every day and am looking forward to seeing her again one day. Losing a pet is so heart breaking and only time helps heal that wound, but luckily she's in a better place and keeping my grandma company. 

I'm now able to share a piece of my heart with a little puppy who is so sweet, loving, smart and a pain in the booty at times. Owning a dog with Noah has been such an amazing learning experience and one I'm glad we put a lot of time and effort into thinking and planning for before getting Wendy. It's a big commitment and our lives have changed drastically since adopting her. It is completely worth it for us and we're happy to be "puppy people." 

I am so grateful for all the lessons that I've been able to take from the past few years and I'm looking forward to growing more and more as I'm sure life won't let up anytime soon. It can be messy, frustrating, uncontrollable at times, but through those rough times there are definitely silver linings that life offers us. Don't ever give up, no matter how hard things may be in the present moment. When you get through the hard, impossible times you'll be so happy you stuck through it and will be able to use those lessons and hardships to help others or yourself through things in the future. 

I'm excited to see what 25 has in store. 24 was pretty epic and memorable. Thanks to everyone for making this year so great. 

I miss you Albuquerque, can't wait to come home for Christmas. 

Lots of love. 

<3 B

Be better to you!

I absolutely love this story, it really spoke to me so I thought I'd share it with you.

A water-bearer carries two large pots on a yoke across his shoulders up the hill from the river to his master’s house each day. One has a crack and leaks half its water out each day before arriving at the house. The other pot is perfect and always delivered a full portion of water after the long walk from the river.

Finally, after years of arriving half-empty and feeling guilty, the cracked pot apologized to the water-bearer. It was miserable. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t accomplish what the perfect pot did.”

The water-bearer says, “What do you have to apologize for?”

“After all this time, I still only deliver half my load of water. I make more work for you because of my flaw.”

The man smiled and told the pot. “Take note of all the lovely flowers growing on the side of the path where I carried you. The flowers grew so lovely because of the water you leaked. There are no flowers on the perfect pot’s side.”

This story made me realize that just because we don't always think we're doing enough or that we aren't good enough that other people see us that way and we ourselves shouldn't see us that way. The past few years have been very emotionally and mentally draining on me, because I've felt because I'm not physically able to do anything that I'm a waste or a bum. I've often needed others compliments or approval to make me believe that I'm doing the best I can. The truth is that no one's circumstances are perfect, we all face situations that test us physically and mentally and those who are strong and work through these things will gain so much from the experience. It's hard when you're in the thick of a hardship to see the positives that can come from it, but when you're on the other side, you experience the positive outcomes. It's important to be positive with yourself and not knock yourself down until the only thing that can get you back up is other's opinions or approval. I've often felt that I'm a people pleaser and have often needed to make other people proud or happy to feel accomplished. Although it's nice to have other people's encouragement and positivity, it is not necessary. We need to be better about giving ourselves credit, to be proud of ourselves and not feel like we're arrogant or cocky. It's ok to be proud of what you've accomplished, because the only person who really knows how hard that thing may have been for you is YOU. 

There was a time when I was so down and hard on myself and the only thing that picked me up is other's approval and praise. It was such a dark place and I never realized the damage that it caused within me. We need to be better about praising ourselves, this doesn't mean that you need to do it outwardly and make people feel like you aren't humble, but do some positive self talk! If you did something awesome that you didn't think you were capable of, pat yourself on the back. This will help boost your confidence for the next time you think you aren't capable of doing something and get you through it.

I am working hard at doing this myself, right now I am not able to do what I want to do, but getting through a major hip surgery and being mostly positive and uplifted during the recovery has not been easy and I'm proud of myself for staying strong. I am looking forward to what's to come this year, I know a lot of it is not going to be easy, but because of what I've been through, I know I can accomplish it.

Be better to you. Don't seek other's praise or approval for what you're doing, if it's wise and going to propel you towards a brighter future and a better you, go for it and don't forget to love yourself through the process!

Thanks for reading

<3 B

Getting personal

I wrote this post two years ago before I actually went through the process of recovery and after going through a life changing injury and a huge mind set change I thought it was time to share. A lot of people go through struggles that no one is ever aware of, we all have silent battles. If we are comfortable and can  speak up about our struggles and hardships to prevent others from going down the same path or helping them while they're going through it, we would be in a much brighter world. So here's my story.

First I have to go back a little bit to the beginning; when I was younger I viewed myself as sort of an outcast, the girl who never fit in anywhere, with family, friends, etc. I was kind of invisible, so I learned to depend on myself for entertainment, advice and guidance, I've been that way ever since. When I got into high school I still noticed the trend of not fitting in continued, until my sophomore year when I joined track and field. Finally, I found my place, I was known as "the jock" in my family and in my group of friends. I didn't necessarily enjoy track all the time, but I knew that it was something I was good at and something people could relate me to and I felt I could never quit, and I didn't. I did track from my sophomore year all the way up to my senior year. After finishing track, I felt lost. I started weight lifting at sports and wellness and really enjoyed the feeling of being "pumped up" and noticed I started to put on some muscle. After I noticed changes in my body, I began to really put my body shape as a priority, in high school I didn't really care what I looked like, I didn't care about food, I ate because I was hungry or because I wanted to enjoy a piece of food, not because I was scared of how it would affect my body or weight. My mom always said, "Bridget eats to live, others live to eat," that couldn't have been more true.

In 2010 I got fed up with having nothing to motivate myself with, so I found "bodybuilding competitions," and was extremely intrigued and decided to sign up for one in July. I signed up for "OCB" in Albuquerque and did the diet and the workouts, but I wasn't completely invested in the process, I found it exciting and something to work towards. At this point my battle with an eating disorder hadn't yet started, even though I was more concerned about how my body looked, because it was to be shown on stage, I wasn't consumed by it, yet. The next two years would get more and more out of control as I started the downward spiral that was my obsession with "dieting" and "overtraining." After doing the OCB in 2010, I was hooked. I found my new identity. My second show was in 2011 and I got even more invested in the process, I look back at pictures now and am fairly horrified.  

I lost a ton of weight the two weeks before that show, but at the time I didn't think twice about it. Right after that show I was already thinking about my next show. What people don't realize about figure competing, it is completely life consuming. I found myself spending three hours in the gym, seven days a week. I would pass up opportunities to spend time with the one's I loved. I would bite people's head's off if they criticized my eating habits or my regime. I would put MY "identity" before anything and everything. The diet was so strict i wouldn't step foot outside of my house without a tupperware filled with the exact measured out food that I was meant to consume for the 6 meals I ate a day. I would eat every two hours without fail. I spent all of my money on my gym membership and supplements to support the lifestyle. This all translated into no social life, no passions other than the "competing process", no room for necessary things like sleep and balance, I wouldn't allow myself to be in situations where I would be near any sort of temptation. This had really started to set in as I realized that I put all of it before my relationship with God. I imprisoned myself in a horrific lifestyle. After Muscle Mania in 2011, I started with a new coach, who helped me put on more muscle and had me eating more in my "bulking up phase," I became even more obsessed, my eating was so strict, if I faltered even once I would mentally and physically punish myself. I would go to the gym and try to burn the amount of calories that I had consumed (which is a form of an eating disorder- Compulsive exercise.) I had a very negative relationship with food-FOOD WAS THE ENEMY.

After the last show in Dallas (the Lonestar classic) I began to finally notice how detrimental this lifestyle had become, I decided to give up competing, to focus on more important aspects of my life, my future, my job, my family and my friends. Well let's just say that completely screwed with my mind and was a huge let down. The day of the show I couldn't be more pleased with how my body looked, "perfection" I tried to tell myself. After the show, of course I got back to reality, started to actually eat normal food, instead of just fish and vegetables 4-5 times a day. I started to gain weight, and lose the 135 pound body I had presented on stage. I became extremely down on myself and couldn't stand to look at my body, I started over exercising, but continuing to eat everything in sight, because I had been malnourished for months on end and never wanted to feel hungry ever again, therefore my exercise had to overcompensate for my eating habits. That's when overtraining came in, I thought that because my calories and carbohydrates had been increased so could the weight I was lifting and the cardio I was doing. At that time I struggled on a daily basis, weighing myself 4-5 times a day, looking in the mirror and criticizing any negative thing I saw, wearing oversized clothing to avoid the judgement that I perceived others made, restricting food when I thought my body was "out of control,", ignoring injuries I had because of the over training, the list goes on and on. This process lead up to me realizing my hips were in bad shape and I eventually had to come to terms with things because I was diagnosed with hip dysplasia.

This is a battle I struggled with for 2 years, eating disorders are very real, no I may not have been anorexic or bulimic, but I definitely struggled and continue to struggle with body image issues. Luckily I went to an outpatient eating disorder clinic for help to realize that I am so much more than what I look like on the outside and I also learned that there is so much more to life than just improving one aspect of yourself. All aspects of us need nourishing. Ever since I was diagnosed with hip dysplasia I have struggled with grieving the loss of the old me. I am no longer the power house that can squat 225, bench 135 and do cardio for hours. I am now a student of life and want to get better at a variety of different things, especially relationships in my life. There has been a massive shift in what's important to me now as opposed to what was important to me then. Is hard for me to see people I used to surround myself with because I still struggle with the thought that I won't be accepted because I'm no longer the athlete I was. I am very thin now, I lost quite a bit of muscle after I was diagnosed and after my first surgery. It is a daily struggle for me to put on weight, because my focus isn't on constant diet and exercise, I eat what I want when I'm hungry. I am hopeful that after my next surgery I can put on weight and not have to worry about my loved ones being concerned that I'm too thin. Since 2010 when I started this journey, my body has been my struggle, but I will never let it beat me again. I love myself for who I am, not what I look like and you should too. You are absolutely beautiful, handsome, cute, awesome just the way you are and no number on the scale, inches on a measuring tape will ever change that! 

Thank you so much for reading and letting me share my story. 

Lots of love 

B

Stressed

My dad is one of the most perceptive people when it comes to my emotions and what's going on in my life. Today I woke up and it really hit me hard that next Tuesday I'll be undergoing my second PAO surgery within a year of the last one. I barely slept last night, got maybe four hours and just felt drained, he picked right up on it. He told me exactly what I wanted to hear, that it's okay to be down and depressed and just want to lay in bed for a while, but he then told me what I needed to hear, that this surgery is necessary, that it will get me to where I want to go. I took that part and put it in the back of my head, because what he said initially is what I wanted to do, lay in bed, feel sorry for myself, but tomorrow is a new day.

There's no doubt that what I'm undergoing next Tuesday is scary, my doctor will be cutting a five inch incision, cutting through muscle and nerves and then fracturing three sides of my pelvis and rotating it so that my bone fits better in my joint. It's scary, but knowing that I've already had it done on my right hip calms me. I've been through this before, I think my mind has forgotten a lot of the recovery, partly because I was on some heavy drugs and partly because I don't want to remember most of it. Truth is, I don't want to go through this, but I have to.

I'm hoping that tomorrow is a better day, being done with school hasn't given me too much to focus on up until Monday when I leave for Salt Lake City for my pre-op appointment. Until then, i'll definitely be taking advantage of my mobility, taking as many showers and baths as I can fit in, drive a little bit, sleep in every position I can and take advantage of my independence, because next week all of that will change.

I'm grateful for all the support I've received throughout the past few years, it definitely hasn't been easy, but I'm almost done. Last surgery for a while I hope!

Lots of love,

<3 B

Failure is the stepping stone to success

If I had to write down all the things that I "am" and "have been" the list would go on forever; the past five or so years I've had to completely rewrite a few chapters in the book of "Bridget." I think my character has stayed pretty similar through all the changes, but who I am has sustained a lot of change. Our society pushes productivity on people, we are focused on success and what will we have done by the time we're dead and gone. Will we leave a legacy behind? Will we be that success story people write about? One thing I don't think people realize that can make you a success story is: failure. A lot of times people don't like talking about their failures, because it taints their success story. I think success despite failure is the most amazing part of the story and should definitely be exposed. Here's a story that makes me appreciate the books that I grew up with even more:

J.K. Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter novels was waitressing and on public assistance when she was writing the first installment of what would become one of the best selling series in history. The book was rejected by a dozen publishers. The only reason it got published at all was because the CEO's eight year old daughter begged him to publish it.

“Failure meant a stripping away of the inessential.” - J.K. Rowling

Despite the fact that she was rejected time after time, she still made the effort and eventually it paid off and Harry Potter is a story everyone loves, if you haven't read Harry Potter, shame on you. 

Today I went to the Bernalillo County Sheriff's Department 35th cadet class' graduation. It was such an inspiring ceremony; they showed a video of a taste of what the cadet's had been through in the past 23 weeks and you could see in all of their faces how proud they were to have made it. I would love nothing more then to be one of those cadet's graduating and joining the force, but with my physical problem I am currently unable. The key word there is currently, that doesn't mean that someday in the future it's not something I will try. In the mean time, I will do all that I can to better my mind, work hard on other aspects of my life so that when the time does come, I will be ready. There are so many times that we could give up and quit, but once you quit, it's rare that you can go back and try again. By definition, failure means the lack of success. The way I see that is lack of success THIS TIME, it doesn't mean you will never find success again. 

Life is full of trial and error, I tried college for two years and didn't like it; two years later I decided to give it a go again and I'm almost done with my Associates degree in Criminal Justice. I tried competing in figure competitions, learned a lot, but realized it wasn't for me, but I am still passionate about health and people taking care of themselves. Keep trying, don't ever give up on yourself, if things don't work out there may be something around the corner that makes more sense for you. 

I am feeling so encouraged lately, there are a few hurdles on the way to my future, but they are all part of the process. Use your hurdles as a way to propel yourself into success instead of throwing you into a dark hole that you can't get out of. We got this :) 

<3 B