Getting personal

I wrote this post two years ago before I actually went through the process of recovery and after going through a life changing injury and a huge mind set change I thought it was time to share. A lot of people go through struggles that no one is ever aware of, we all have silent battles. If we are comfortable and can  speak up about our struggles and hardships to prevent others from going down the same path or helping them while they're going through it, we would be in a much brighter world. So here's my story.

First I have to go back a little bit to the beginning; when I was younger I viewed myself as sort of an outcast, the girl who never fit in anywhere, with family, friends, etc. I was kind of invisible, so I learned to depend on myself for entertainment, advice and guidance, I've been that way ever since. When I got into high school I still noticed the trend of not fitting in continued, until my sophomore year when I joined track and field. Finally, I found my place, I was known as "the jock" in my family and in my group of friends. I didn't necessarily enjoy track all the time, but I knew that it was something I was good at and something people could relate me to and I felt I could never quit, and I didn't. I did track from my sophomore year all the way up to my senior year. After finishing track, I felt lost. I started weight lifting at sports and wellness and really enjoyed the feeling of being "pumped up" and noticed I started to put on some muscle. After I noticed changes in my body, I began to really put my body shape as a priority, in high school I didn't really care what I looked like, I didn't care about food, I ate because I was hungry or because I wanted to enjoy a piece of food, not because I was scared of how it would affect my body or weight. My mom always said, "Bridget eats to live, others live to eat," that couldn't have been more true.

In 2010 I got fed up with having nothing to motivate myself with, so I found "bodybuilding competitions," and was extremely intrigued and decided to sign up for one in July. I signed up for "OCB" in Albuquerque and did the diet and the workouts, but I wasn't completely invested in the process, I found it exciting and something to work towards. At this point my battle with an eating disorder hadn't yet started, even though I was more concerned about how my body looked, because it was to be shown on stage, I wasn't consumed by it, yet. The next two years would get more and more out of control as I started the downward spiral that was my obsession with "dieting" and "overtraining." After doing the OCB in 2010, I was hooked. I found my new identity. My second show was in 2011 and I got even more invested in the process, I look back at pictures now and am fairly horrified.  

I lost a ton of weight the two weeks before that show, but at the time I didn't think twice about it. Right after that show I was already thinking about my next show. What people don't realize about figure competing, it is completely life consuming. I found myself spending three hours in the gym, seven days a week. I would pass up opportunities to spend time with the one's I loved. I would bite people's head's off if they criticized my eating habits or my regime. I would put MY "identity" before anything and everything. The diet was so strict i wouldn't step foot outside of my house without a tupperware filled with the exact measured out food that I was meant to consume for the 6 meals I ate a day. I would eat every two hours without fail. I spent all of my money on my gym membership and supplements to support the lifestyle. This all translated into no social life, no passions other than the "competing process", no room for necessary things like sleep and balance, I wouldn't allow myself to be in situations where I would be near any sort of temptation. This had really started to set in as I realized that I put all of it before my relationship with God. I imprisoned myself in a horrific lifestyle. After Muscle Mania in 2011, I started with a new coach, who helped me put on more muscle and had me eating more in my "bulking up phase," I became even more obsessed, my eating was so strict, if I faltered even once I would mentally and physically punish myself. I would go to the gym and try to burn the amount of calories that I had consumed (which is a form of an eating disorder- Compulsive exercise.) I had a very negative relationship with food-FOOD WAS THE ENEMY.

After the last show in Dallas (the Lonestar classic) I began to finally notice how detrimental this lifestyle had become, I decided to give up competing, to focus on more important aspects of my life, my future, my job, my family and my friends. Well let's just say that completely screwed with my mind and was a huge let down. The day of the show I couldn't be more pleased with how my body looked, "perfection" I tried to tell myself. After the show, of course I got back to reality, started to actually eat normal food, instead of just fish and vegetables 4-5 times a day. I started to gain weight, and lose the 135 pound body I had presented on stage. I became extremely down on myself and couldn't stand to look at my body, I started over exercising, but continuing to eat everything in sight, because I had been malnourished for months on end and never wanted to feel hungry ever again, therefore my exercise had to overcompensate for my eating habits. That's when overtraining came in, I thought that because my calories and carbohydrates had been increased so could the weight I was lifting and the cardio I was doing. At that time I struggled on a daily basis, weighing myself 4-5 times a day, looking in the mirror and criticizing any negative thing I saw, wearing oversized clothing to avoid the judgement that I perceived others made, restricting food when I thought my body was "out of control,", ignoring injuries I had because of the over training, the list goes on and on. This process lead up to me realizing my hips were in bad shape and I eventually had to come to terms with things because I was diagnosed with hip dysplasia.

This is a battle I struggled with for 2 years, eating disorders are very real, no I may not have been anorexic or bulimic, but I definitely struggled and continue to struggle with body image issues. Luckily I went to an outpatient eating disorder clinic for help to realize that I am so much more than what I look like on the outside and I also learned that there is so much more to life than just improving one aspect of yourself. All aspects of us need nourishing. Ever since I was diagnosed with hip dysplasia I have struggled with grieving the loss of the old me. I am no longer the power house that can squat 225, bench 135 and do cardio for hours. I am now a student of life and want to get better at a variety of different things, especially relationships in my life. There has been a massive shift in what's important to me now as opposed to what was important to me then. Is hard for me to see people I used to surround myself with because I still struggle with the thought that I won't be accepted because I'm no longer the athlete I was. I am very thin now, I lost quite a bit of muscle after I was diagnosed and after my first surgery. It is a daily struggle for me to put on weight, because my focus isn't on constant diet and exercise, I eat what I want when I'm hungry. I am hopeful that after my next surgery I can put on weight and not have to worry about my loved ones being concerned that I'm too thin. Since 2010 when I started this journey, my body has been my struggle, but I will never let it beat me again. I love myself for who I am, not what I look like and you should too. You are absolutely beautiful, handsome, cute, awesome just the way you are and no number on the scale, inches on a measuring tape will ever change that! 

Thank you so much for reading and letting me share my story. 

Lots of love 

B