Keeping track of it all

Throughout the process of researching the surgery that I am soon to undergo, the most helpful thing that I've found is other's blogs. Blogs of people who have been through something similar that I have gone through and will eventually go through in the months to come. Each person that has been through a injury or a diagnoses of a disease has been through a lot, no doubt. The process is painful, stressful, depressing and completely life changing. Being in a similar situation as others comforts me. Misery loves company after all. As I am counting down the days to my looming surgery date, I can't help but feel an emotional weight baring down on me like a ton of bricks. I could be wrong, but I think that I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be the same again. Heck no one is the same as they were yesterday, but I will never be the "healthy" care free person that I used to be. I will no longer be able to live my life without the thought of how long till the pain sets in again. I am hopeful that this surgery will take my days of agony away for at least a little while, but then again I can't help but feel skeptical that no relief will come at all.

When you think about your life on a day by day basis, we think about our routine's, what responsibilities we have in our lives that are a priority. I am in that same boat, school and work are a very real thing in my life. On top of those things I think about the sharp pain in my right hip on a minute by minute basis. I have to plan my day based on how much activity it will take. I have to decide when and how much pain medication to take the night before I work so that I get a good nights rest and my hip is still. I have completely stopped exercising, because when I was exercising maybe once a week, the days after, the pain was excruciating. I am down to the bare minimum of the things I need to do, because if I do more, I am in bed at 8pm, because I can't sit or stand without being in agony.

I want to keep track of all of these things, because if the surgery goes as I'm hoping it will; I will finally, after a year and a half be able to live my life again. I have so many goals and dreams that I want to accomplish and without complete physical health, many of them are impossible.

When I meet people, my story somehow comes up in the conversation. They ask me what I do, I tell them about my new path in school and my surgery. They ask me what caused my hip problem. I'm not too positive on that answer, but I can't help but question if the lifestyle I chose to live for years is a big factor. They ask me about training and diet advice. If I can give anyone advice after what I've been through, it's live your life. Enjoy food, enjoy your friend and family. LOVE yourself for who you are, not what you look like. I thought I looked amazing in the past couple years, but I would take ALL of that back to be healthy again. If I could go back and change everything with the knowledge I have now, I would have never trained as vigorously as I did, probably not even a quarter of my training. I cringe to think of those who are buried DEEP into the bodybuilding world, because I know what it takes to be competitive and even succeed in it. It scares me to think of what those people will face in their futures.

Anyway, just capturing everything so I can someday reflect on it all.

Be good, and remember to live each day to the fullest.